WISINDOWED - (WIS-in-dowed) ...

January 30, 2013

How’s everyone doing? I started the year off pretty busy and my pace has not lessened. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I guess I’ll see soon enough. Busy keeps me sane and keeps me from ending up in that dark place. I still choose to LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH even through the tears. 

You know, I always forget at the beginning of the year that I have to fill out my daughter’s FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) form. I just hate doing these forms but it helps financially with a daughter in college. Filling out this form was not foreign at all because my husband and I would do it together every year. This is another example of knowing what was going on with the business of the house. Imagine if I didn’t know about this application and maybe simply ignored it with everything I’m feeling these days.

 

Now that would be just tragic; who doesn’t need financial assistance for a child in college? What was difficult about filling out this form was that it reminded me that I am WIDOWED! Man how I hate that word and how it makes me feel. Then I had to check the box that stated her father was DECEASED, I hate that word too!!!  I’m not too comfortable with the word single either, probably because once you’ve been happily married and are widowed, single now is not the same has single before ever being married. You see life with a different set of eyes. With that said I have declared myself WISINDOWED!

 

It's a combination of WI from wisdom, SIN from single, and DOWED from widowed. I FEEL BETTER ALREADY! :) Now to figure out how to get that word on any and every demography needed for anything and everything, hmmmm. When life serves you lemons make lemon frosted pound cake (you thought I was going to say lemonade) GOTCHA!! By the way, have you tasted Starbuck’s lemon frosted pound cake? The way the cake ministers to me, nothing should taste that good!!  That was random but anyway…

If you remember in my last blog, I mentioned how sometimes things happen that you have no control over… LIFE HAPPENS. The question is what do you do when life happens? Do you crawl into a corner, cry and hope it goes away? Do you look the situation in the face and handle it? My husband would always say, “I ain’t going out like that!” Meaning I am going to fight until the end, that’s what he did and that’s what I will continue to do.

Life happened when we returned to NY after being in Virginia for many years and Emm had no job; IBM confirmed a job and there was none. We honestly didn’t know it would be so very hard for him to find a job. The biggest problem was “you’re over qualified”.  What impressed me with my husband was that he never laid around waiting for the “white collar” job to come around. This man went from handling US Navy accounts with IBM to working in a supermarket (Grand Union) at night stocking shelves from 10pm to 5am and took temp jobs in accounting until he found a permanent job, a year and a half later.

No one is exempt from life’s challenges. What makes the difference is how you handle life. Always know life is a process and we are forever maturing in how we deal with challenges. So don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right the first time. Listen to those that know, learn from the situations, and deal with it, be PROACTIVE!

Love you guys and don’t forget I’m NOT single, I’m NOT widowed any longer, I AM WISINDOWED!!! HOLLA!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's 2013 ...

Hey Family!

Happy New Year, Happy 2013, a NEW YEAR, a NEW BEGINNING, WOO-HOO!!!! I pray that everyone had a meaningful and purposeful holiday season as I did. Yes, it was so different, very different. On Christmas morning Heather and I woke at 10am, looked at each other, said Merry Christmas and verbalized how weird everything felt. We went downstairs into the living room, held hands and prayed. We thanked God for her daddy/my hubby’s life and told God that since we had to give Emm to someone we are pleased that someone is HIM! So, we exchanged gifts. Heather was never one that expected a lot and we never over did it with her either. It was hard to stick to that this year because I felt that I had to over compensate because of her sadness. She asked for four items; I got her two extra gifts. I wanted to get her some things that I thought her father would have gotten her. He’d always made sure to get her the latest perfume and always got her something music related. She was pleasantly surprised when she opened two gifts, one having Prada’s Candy perfume and the other being Dr. DRE’s BEATS headphones. She said I outdid myself! She was quite thoughtful in what she got for me. One gift was three Christian worship CDs, which I love, love, love!

We were in church for New Year’s. I wouldn’t have it any other way, this is all I know. Our church celebrated like there was no tomorrow, WE RAISED THE ROOF!!!! WE PUMPED UP THE VOLUME with our worship and praise.  We praised God for His love and faithfulness in our lives. I thanked God for just being able to say “I’M STILL STANDING”. Folks, that’s major for me, but not too hard for God!

It really hit hard a few days ago that I am the head of household now. All the decisions are on me. Wow! This is why I am so very relieved that I was a part of the planning and budgeting of my family. Can you imagine not knowing anything about the finances, the bills, what’s going on? When that love one dies, guess what…LIFE GOES ON. The gas and electric bill still comes in, rent/mortgage still has to be paid, we have to eat, car note is still due. Don’t forget the insurance, homeowner’s, car, medical is usually taken out of your check, and the BIG ONE…LIFE INSURANCE!!! I don’t care how bad things get DON’T LET YOUR LIFE INSURANCE LAPSE!!!! Remember life insurance has all to do with how much you love the one that’s left after you leave.  Remember earlier how I talked about the due date on the bill, that doesn’t change because your spouse passed away.

I would think about our future all the time when Emm was alive but not as much as I do now. I believe what always helped me was that I never tried to “keep up with the Jones” (who are these Jones anyway??) and I never was one to live above my means. At least I tried hard not to, I just didn’t like bills. There were times when the money that came in didn’t match up to the bills that were supposed to be paid. OH NO MR.BILL (Saturday Night Live) I would beat myself up; I’d worry, cry and lose sleep. My dear Mr. Barnes never lost sleep, I think he snored more (laughing). I would get so angry; I mean how can you sleep in a crisis like this? Somehow someway things worked out though. I mean there are times when LIFE HAPPENS. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Emm was rested, thinking clearly, looking refreshed (remember his nickname was EASY) and I was twisted, exhausted and I’d growl and be ready to “cut somebody” (never did though, just felt that way) from all the nights of lost sleep.  I think I could have starred in The DIARY of a MAD, BLACK WOMAN that LOST SLEEP CAUSE SHE COULDN’T PAY ALL HER BILLS ON TIME!!! (Tyler Perry where are you?) Anyway…  (laughing)

Remember the term LIFE HAPPENS? Emm worked for IBM as a financial analyst from 1977 to 1990. In 1990 we decided to move back to New York from Virginia. IBM downsized and somehow “they forgot” (sarcasm at its finest) that they promised to give him a position back here in New York. Needless to say Emm was without a job, here in New York. Well guys, life happened! This next phase of life for us was a major challenge but I can assure you of this, Emm didn’t lose not one bit of sleep but as for me…well, the haggard look was the in thing in my world at the time (laughing). ‘Til next time…

MERRY CHRISTMAS :)

Hi family,

Tomorrow is Christmas day, yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! It is an exciting time of year. I am looking forward to it and, on purpose, I plan to have a wonderful holiday!   I stopped putting the tree up once Heather out grew the three foot tree we had, it didn’t take long, she was probably about three years old when we stopped …(laughing). Imagine this child looking DOWN at a tree because she’s much taller than it, there’s something painfully wrong with that picture (still laughing).  In my mind the idea is to look UP at a gy-normous (Chloe Kardashian word) tree and be in awe.  Well guess what I did to rectify the situation, I went out last week and bought an eight foot tree.  I went to Sears, had a young man help me put it in the car, the box didn’t fit in the car, he took the tree out of the box and put it in my trunk.  When I got home I took everything out, in my own clumsy, Lucy Ricardo (I LOVE LUCY) style; I managed to get the tree in the house.  Did I mention it was raining during this whole ordeal?  I was sweating and breathing hard but guess what folks I got that tree up, with lights and all (well it actually came with lights).  That tree gave me such joy, once I saw it in its upright position. 

This tree symbolizes my determination to have a GREAT CHRISTMAS!  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  When Heather got home she was quite happy about what she saw and folks. Heather, who is at 5 foot 9 inches, was able to LOOK UP at the tree.  NOW THAT’S WHAT’S UP!!! (pun intended) By the way I really don’t think Heather was in awe of the tree, but WHAT-E-VEEEER, I’M STILL IN AWE OF MY TREE!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am also going to cook because my family seems to think that that’s what I am supposed to do, so I shall deliver. How’s this for a menu, pot roast (slow-cooker style) string beans in garlic sauce, asparagus  (just cause I love it), corn casserole and rice. For dessert apple pie(I asked Mrs. Smith to stop by, lol) and ice cream. I mean that’s not bad for someone that had to work on Christmas Eve and will be back at work the day after.  

Because of my husband’s death, I sometimes have to work at the choice I have made to LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH to the fullest. And that my friends, is ok because it is worth it in the end.  You see, that choice to live, love, and laugh puts me in a most wonderful place and everyone that I am connected to, ESPECIALLY YOU!

God bless you, be well, enjoy your day, and remember JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

~ B. Renee

Bills, Bills, Bills ... What A Joy

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day. Of course mine was different, you know, the “first” Thanksgiving without Emm.  My family was amazing though. We were all together and that meant a lot. Did I mention it was my birthday also? I was born on Thanksgiving Day back in 1959.  So that makes me 35 years old?  Yes that sounds about right!  You figure it out…Either way I’m FIERCE!!!

 

Today is not one of my brighter days; I feel a lot of pain at the moment. It’s weird because I just don’t know when it is going to hit. I can say this though, it always passes.  Thank God!

Well, let me just jump in where I left off last time. My dear, sweet husband was always so very giving.  He took me everywhere, showered me with presents; he was just amazing in that way.  BUT…yes there is a but! But, it was at the expense of not paying our household bills!  Now me, I was the one that paid my bills before the DUE DATE, he was one that said, “I will pay them at some point”. And he did; he’d make really big payments and catch up. (I think about it now and it brings a smile to my face) Then he’d start that same process again, paying at some point.  (As I wrote at the end of my last blog) REALLY???  I thought I’d have a cow.  This was in the beginning of our marriage when he had his bills and I had mine.  You might want to know how then did I find out about his bills.  Easy enough, I opened ALL the mail. He had no problem with that, he was just “EASY” (singing), “ EASY like Sunday morning”. Anyway, I’d see late payment fees; I’d see cable and phone shut off notices. I saw those bills and yes I immediately went into labor, I was about to have that cow! Did I mention that Emm was an accountant/financial analyst? You gotta love him, well I did!  He just didn’t want to deal with numbers when he got home, so I called for a meeting. We had our meeting of the minds. We decided that we’d put all our bills TOGETHER and put our money TOGETHER. Everyone (meaning, him and I) came from the meeting very satisfied. He didn't have to deal with due dates and writing checks and I didn’t have to worry about anything being shut off.  Folks recognize that one of the biggest areas that can break up a marriage is MONEY.  What worked for us might not work for you but make sure you discuss it and come to a decision that you both can live with.

Even though I was the one that physically wrote out the checks, Emm knew what was in the account, what bills were coming in, what was being paid out. When there were challenges in the finances, without question he’d figure it out. Is there ever a perfect plan? NO, but we started with A PLAN.  I would always tell him how much I loved him for trusting me totally with the money and I didn’t let him down. (Ok, now I’m tearing up) I also recognized that he was the head of the household and I being in charge of the finances took nothing away from him as a man.  I respected him highly. 

One of my goals in doing this blog is to remind wives and husbands how important it is to know what is going on in your own household, FINANCIALLY. Remember it should not be a “ yours vs. mine” relationship. It should be an “our” relationship. You are building a life together. It is never too late to make positive change in your relationship. My father made a statement once that was so true. He said, “It’s ok not to know, but it’s not ok not to learn!” So learn and build and grow together!

I’m not an expert; I don’t have degrees in marriage counseling, none of the above. I am just a woman that has just decided to invite you into my world, my most precious memories, hoping that my experience can be of some help to you. My own experience coupled with other folks experiences has brought me to that place of W.O.W.W. 

I really pray that I’m helping someone along the way. God bless you and be well. Until next time… 

The Journey ...

Hey family/friends,

Today is one of those difficult days and I guess it should be expected since it has only been 2.5 months that Emm has gone to the “REAL WORLD”.  Someone used that term to say where he is and I said, “That’s it, exactly!” Also I wanted to recommend a book that my pastor gave me when my husband first passed. It’s by Tony Cooke, “LIFE AFTER DEATH”. It’s an easy read and a great source for healing; a book, for the loved one that is left here to relate to. When my pastor first gave it to me, I read a few pages and decided that I was fine and I had this confidence of “I got this”. Well, in the last few weeks, the pain has intensified and I realized despite how many people said “you’re strong” I felt like I was going to come crashing down at any point and it wasn’t going to be pretty. I then remembered the book.  I searched high and low in my house to find that book; I needed something in writing that just might relate to what I was feeling; and this book has not let me down.

Well folks, let me start from the beginning of this journey. Feb 14, 1986, Emm and I spoke the words, “in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part”. I was 26 and he was 30. Both of us were quite healthy and without a care in the world.  Why should we think about sickness or dying, I mean we were invincible! This type of thinking isn’t really uncommon to healthy young folks.  

Today I’d like to share some thoughts on basic healthcare.  Young married couples, engaged couples, even single folk you have to be proactive in this area.  I pray that married couples that have been married awhile (let’s say over 7 years) should hopefully be advising and mentoring young couples in these areas.  If not, then let me share with you as well. It is better late than never. It is very, very important to make sure that you get a YEARLY physical without hesitation.  Women, along with our physicals we should get our YEARLY gynecological exams and mammography tests. Men, you must get all that is needed to keep you healthy as well. We must remember as much as we “hate” going to the doctor, if something is going on in our body it is not going away just because you don’t want to go. We must be proactive with our health and be an informed and compliant patient.

Ladies, statistics have shown that one of the reasons married men out live single men is because of the wife encouraging him to go to the doctor.  Ladies, encourage, nag, or (MARRIED LADIES ONLY) promise them goodies (wink, wink) whatever you have to do in order for them to go for their appointments.  Remind them that staying healthy isn’t just about them, but about you and the rest of the family.

I realized early in our marriage that Emm just didn’t go to the doctor; it wasn’t that he was afraid.  He was the epitome of a healthy young man. He just didn’t go, nothing hurt, no pain, so why bother. Can anyone relate to that mentality?   I mean he didn’t even know what insurance he had; I found that to be so funny. I snapped on him for days. I remember calling IBM Human Resources and getting his insurance information.  From the time I began making his yearly physical, he would go.  If you see where you have to do the leg work in order for your spouse to go to the doctor, DO IT!  Love your spouse to life, a HEALTHY LIFE!  Husbands, you might be the one that has to help your wife along. JUST DO IT!

Life was great, we were doing well.  Yes we had our ups and downs, but we loved each other too much to let external things come between us.  We wanted our marriage to work so we fought hard together even in the seemingly roughest of times. He was so easy going (his nickname in college was Easy) and I was drama.  I was always concerned about life; he just “rolled with it”. He was the listener; I just didn’t know how to stop talking, (mouth almighty).  There are no two people alike, but in the words of Tim Gunn (Project Runway) “Make it work”.  And we did just that. 

There was another major area in our marriage that I found out he was pretty nonchalant about. Talking about living up to your nickname, EASY… there is an expression that is out now that I wished was out back then, because I would have used it with all the passion I could have gathered up. That word being “REALLY?”

The Beginning ...

Good day my brothers and sisters,

Welcome to my first blog, The WOWW FACTOR.  What does this acronym stand for?  I’m glad you asked. Wisdom of a Wife/Widow.  My goal is to share my journey of being a wife and now a widow and what husbands/wives should have in place and what we should be prepared for if we lose our spouse.  This is also food for thought for those engaged or considering marriage at some point.  In most cases, the reality of life is that one will go before the other. Financial awareness and preparedness is vital. I’d like this blog to be a place where not only do I share my journey but you share your story and information that will empower us as individuals.

Well let me begin.  I am a couple of weeks  from 53 years old and I never thought I’d be placing an “x” in the box for widow on any demography, as my marital status. I mean, you could not tell me that I wouldn’t be married for at least 50 years, not 26!  My husband, Emm and I had so many plans. When our daughter Heather went to college in August of 2010, we became young lovers all over again, if you know what I mean (blushing).

We talked about Heather and education, Heather and dating, Heather and marriage, Heather, Heather, Heather. Now that she was in college, we were going to pick up from where we left off, Pre-Heather.  Our first major trip would be an Alaskan cruise together.  It took some convincing on his part but he finally got me to agree to go. I had a problem with being on water for days and my feet not touching any land, but he always had a calming effect on me and I felt safe with him around, so I agreed.  Well… the one BIG thing that we didn’t plan for was…CANCER returning, again! Oh Lord not again!  Not for the second time but for the THIRD TIME!   THIS TIME EVERYTHING CHANGED!

Wisdom of A Wife/Widow

Join me Wednesday, November 14,2012 for my first blog release. Thank you and God bless you!